Tuesday, July 03, 2007

I wonder

Remember the sweet May Day basket I made with my kids way back on the first of May? This morning, I finally made the decision to retire the cone of now faded, crumbling flowers from the bulletin board in our kitchen. In some sort of silent testament, those sad flowers have reminded me every single day of these last two months of how happy and excited I was on that glorious afternoon. Newly and blissfully pregnant, I was absolutely overcome with the perfection of my life on that beautiful spring day. But sadly, unbeknownst to me at the time, it would be only three short days before the happy glow in which I'd been basking would fade to a cold, dark, and lonely shadow in which I found myself huddled in a heap of despair. I remain eternally grateful for the outpouring of love and concern we received in response to our loss, but there are still days, like today, when I wonder if I will ever feel as happy or as hopeful as I did two months ago. And...

I wonder if my abandoned container of decaffeinated coffee, untouched since May, will ever cease to evoke a sharp pang of longing and regret every time I open the cabinet door to retrieve a mug.

I wonder when I'll stop mentally calculating how many weeks along I "should" or "would" be.

I wonder when others joyful announcements of new pregnancies (for which I truly do give thanks to God!) will quit being accompanied by a shameful stab of envy.

I wonder, sometimes, whether I'll ever again know the joy of carrying another new life beneath my heart...and not just, forever, within my heart.

7 comments:

Blair said...

Praying for you, Melissa. I was just thinking of you last night and wondering how you were healing. It's a pain and a loss that will never go away until we meet our children in Heaven :(

JennGM said...

Praying for you, Melissa. The pain of the loss never goes away, although God helps it to not be so sharp over time. Give yourself time to grieve, and pamper yourself. I will pray to your little one in heaven for you.

He who wears the most black wins. said...

Oh dear friend, I am thinking of you and praying for you. I, too, have been wondering how your healing has been or if the pain of that loss has dulled.

You WILL know the joy of carrying another life beneath your heart. You will claim Christ's peace and His plan for life, as your own. Your fertility will be blessed again. I am praying for it, as are many others. Of that I am sure.

I love you and wish you comfort on this hard day.

Mom to Four said...

Without ever trying to sound insensitive, I do believe it gets easier over time. I do believe in my heart that God will bless you with another child. While it may not feel good right now, I believe we learn something and grow closer to God through each season of our lives that he leads us through.

I am praying for your healing and that you may feel God's love. I pray he will bless your little family once more. And praise God for your openness and generosity for your family.

It makes me want to be ever more thankful for my little blessings.

Much love to you!

Jennifer said...

Prayers Melissa. I have no wonderful advice. I'm so sorry.

Jill said...

After our second miscarriage (our first was before Aslynn was born), I had many doubts. I told Paul I thought something was wrong with my body and that Aslynn might be our only child. Our twins were conceived less than a month later. God has a plan. We were shocked by the one He had for us, I must say. :) But, He knows.

I can relate to your feelings, though. I still think of our first baby and how old he/she would be right now.

Praying for you...

Jane Ramsey said...

Melissa,
I'm so sorry for your loss.
We lost a baby this year too, right around Easter.
Hoping and praying with you that God will bless both of us with a new little life again!