Saturday, May 05, 2007

Our Baby

They were among the first things I saw upon awakening this morning, the positive pregnancy tests which have been nestled atop the ceramic angel soap dish on my bathroom counter for the past three weeks (in triplicate, because I can never quite believe my good fortune at seeing those two pink lines appear in the test stick windows.) Drying my hair, brushing my teeth, applying my make-up, I'd steal giddy peeks at that tangible proof of the new life within me, smiling, loving, praising God.

Today, though, like the dull ache in my lower abdomen, they were instead a painful reminder of the agonizing loss which we suffered last night, that of offering our baby back to its Father much sooner than we had hoped or planned. There are no words to describe the sense of loss that has pierced our hearts, no way to convey how bitterly disappointed we are that we will no longer be welcoming another Christmastime baby into our family as we had so joyfully been anticipating.

And yet, through the overwhelming sorrow, there is also great peace and comfort to be found in knowing that this little one is in heaven now. I still believe that choosing to remain open to life has been the single greatest decision that Darren and I have ever made. When we were first introduced to Natural Family Planning in the first year of our marriage, we thought we had stumbled upon a Church approved form of birth control, never realizing at the time what a profound impact this beautiful gift would have on the rest of our lives. Learning and practicing NFP has opened our minds and hearts to an entirely new way of living, one of selfless giving and loving, and trusting. We understand that to accept the possibility of new life means to accept the possibility of heartache and loss, but we trust that God's plan is not always our own and that He has greater plans for us than we could ever imagine. Knowing that makes this cross so much easier to bear.

19 comments:

Mom to Four said...

Oh, deareast Melissa, I am so terribly sad. I am so sorry for your loss. I feel the heartache all the way here in Houston.

God has a beautiful plan for you and your family. He loves you so terribly much. So do I. I wish I could be there to talk in person and give you a hug.

God bless you. I will be praying for you.

Celeste

Mary Vitamin said...

What a beautifull, heart wrenching tribute to life!
May God bless you and your family.
Ave Maria!
Helen

Jennifer said...

I'm so very sorry Melissa. We will keep your family in our prayers.

Cheryl said...

Melissa, I am sorry for your loss. What you have written here is beautiful. I will keep you and your family in my prayers.

KC said...

I am so very sorry for your loss. I will keep you in my prayers.

Matilda said...

You and your family will be in our prayers today. Your tribute is truly lovely!

Blair said...

I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your little baby, Melissa. May God continue to grace you with peace and comfort in the coming days. My prayers are with you.

Jill said...

I'm back. I prayed and hoped that I would hear that you were pregnant when I came back from my blogging break. I am so sorry to hear that your much hoped-for little one is no longer with you. Your reflection on this sorrow and the role NFP has played in your life and marriage is beautiful. I feel so similar in the path that my husband and I are on. And having had two miscarriages as well, I feel I could have written this same blog entry (although not as eloquently). You are always such an inspiration.

Michelle said...

{{hugs}}

Mom of boys said...

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. We will be praying for you all!

Amy Parris said...

Isn't it amazing how quickly we mamas become attached to our little ones. I will be praying for God's peace for you and your family.

Margaret in Minnesota said...

Dearest Melissa,

I have just now seen this post entry and apologize for not offering my condolences sooner. I send to you the prayers and the love of a faraway friend who truly understands what you are going through. God can be so mysterious, but He is always good. We trust in that, and we wait...and we hope...and we love with all our hearts the beautiful lives that He has blessed us with thus far.

With love & blessings,

Margaret

mom-in-training said...

Oh, Melissa, I've just now read your post! I am so sorry for your loss and will pray for you and your family.

Jamie said...

I am late reading this, and so sorry. I will be praying for you. Your baby is now with so many of our babies with our Heavenly Father, where sin can never touch him.

Suzanne Temple said...

I'm so sorry to read this, Melissa. I hope and pray that God will bless you again and soon.

He who wears the most black wins. said...

Melissa,

Oh, dear friend, I am so sorry. What a difference a week of absence can make. I cannot believe how beautifully poetic your picture and blog entry are. You are so amazingly strong and faithful. God hears you. He knows your and Darren's hearts. He will not fail you. He has a plan for you. May you feel the Holy Spirit moving within your family, revealing Himself to you.

I wish so desperately that I could be in New Mexico right now, to offer you a huge, very warm hug.

I love you and your precious family--and will be praying for God to keep blessing your fertility.

Nicole

Mama bird said...

Remember what you posted on my blog last summer melissa...I now return the favor:

you now have an angel in heaven guarding your familys spot at the table.

My heart goes out to you.
God bless,

~mariagianna~

Mary Ellen Barrett said...

Melissa, I'm so sorry I'm late in sending my condolences. I know how devastating this is and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

God bless.

Kristen Laurence said...

I feel terribly that I am just reading this now. I am so sorry, dear Melissa. I will begin praying tonight. God bless you!