Happy Happenings

Caitlyn had her cast removed yesterday. I still can't believe it's already been four weeks since she broke her leg! I remember being so worried then that she would be immobile for such an extended period of time. I remember gently propping her up against stacks of pillows with Color Wonder tablets and magnetic paper dolls and her Barbie laptop, entertaining her while trying to keep her comfortable, suffering myself from the discomforts of late pregnancy...and then being worried about how I would take care of her while being on modified bed rest. How unnecessary all those fears turned out to be! Who would have guessed that Kristen would be born so soon, negating my activity restrictions, or that Caitlyn would decide at that very same time that she could still, in fact, be quite mobile in her cast? By the time it was removed yesterday, her cast was broken and frayed in some places by the constant wear it had endured over the past week in particular! She's got a new CAM walker in place now, which we can expect to keep for the next three weeks or so, but if recent weeks are any indication, I know this time will just fly by!

Other great news about yesterday? My mom is finally home! She was at our house by 7:30 yesterday morning, with donuts and gifts in hand! Have you ever been so happy to see someone that you just wanted to cry? How fun it was to talk and catch up in person, and my kids were thrilled to see their Nonny again. She stayed with them while I went up to the hospital, and she was able to go up there with me yesterday evening while Darren stayed home and prepared a delicious dinner. It was so awesome to introduce her to Kristen for the very first time!

At three weeks old, Kristen is up to 4 lbs, 13.1 oz, and she is becoming quite the little glutton with her feedings! She's still being tube fed every other feeding, but she greedily gulps down each bottle feeding in half the time she's allowed. I am so proud of her! Each tiny step of progress is cause for rejoicing. I dream of the day she's finally home with us.

I'm still not sure if I like it...

...but I promised my sister-in-law I would post a picture of my new haircut.

(Remember how long my hair was a few weeks ago?)

Date Night

I know. We're such nerds. :)

(Mmmm, but did you see the Black Forest cake in the background? And the wine? So don't worry. It's all good.)

(And plus, I really rock at word games.)

(But so does my husband.)

Advance notice to my brother: This post talks a lot about breastfeeding.

My neck and shoulders are killing me. Perhaps this stems from the weight of worry I've been wearing about me like a cloak, or it could be the relentless sessions I've been uncomfortably enduring with my breast pump. Either way, I'm miserable. My head hurts, too, and I'm exhausted, both in body and spirit. And I generally don't tend to whine so much, but sometimes the anxiety and discouragement and disappointment just need a place to go, and this morning, they're escaping to my blog. Please don't feel forced to read any further.

Kristen is over two weeks old now, and for as much as we've been trying to adhere to "normal" around here, nothing will feel normal until she's home with us. I still can't help feeling terribly let down by the circumstances surrounding her premature arrival, and I know that, in light of how well she is doing, that sounds incredibly selfish. But I had spent my entire pregnancy hoping for another chance at a normal, full term birth, as Meghan's (at 35 weeks) had been so fraught with anxiety. I guess I wanted a chance to "redeem" myself. Doesn't it all sound so silly? The fact of the matter is that Kristen is here, and she's healthy, and she is every bit the darling we'd been waiting for all those months. But everything is different now, much different, than the romantic babymoon I'd been envisioning. I had it all planned out, you see. I'd bring her home the day after her birth and stay in pajamas for a week, nursing my baby night and day while Darren lovingly doted on the two of us. Dylan and I would have finished up his lessons and we'd have the entire summer to devote to nature studies and playing and getting to know our newest little blessing. It was going to be perfect.

Instead, I cry to think that my sweet big kids will be lucky if they're able to even meet Kristen before she's a month old. (Until RSV season is over, there is a restriction in place at the hospital for all visitors under the age of 12.) It breaks my heart that they are only able to see their little sister in pictures. They love her so much and just can't wait to meet her.

And I am growing increasingly frustrated with trying to establish an adequate milk supply. For someone who's been breastfeeding for nearly six years straight (I tandem nursed my girls, and Meghan only stopped a couple of months ago), you would think I would have no problem producing milk. Wrong! I've been pumping every two to three hours with an electric double pump, but yielding only 20-30 mL per session. I've read that I should be pumping 750-800 mL/ day, but at my current rate I'm getting only approximately 200 mL. Which stresses me out. Which, I'm sure, decreases my supply even more. Sigh. I am drinking plenty of water, and I've been taking Fenugreek, too. I keep reminding myself that Kristen will be much more effective at increasing my supply with her on-demand nursing once she's stronger, so it does help somewhat to remember that this is, hopefully, only a temporary problem. And I found the loveliest prayer yesterday, which I've added to my sidebar, that brings me immeasurable comfort. Our Lady of La Leche, pray for me!

I've pretty much accepted the fact that we're just not going to be finished with all of Dylan's new home school materials before summer, and I'm making my peace with that. We really haven't done much in the way of formal lessons for over two weeks now, but when I see all that he does on his own in the meantime I know I really have nothing to worry about. He's recently taken an interest in coins, so independently, he is learning about money, coins, and their value, which was one of my goals for this year. He devours entire chapter books in a single sitting, preferring series such as Great Illustrated Classics, Magic Treehouse, The Berenstain Bear Scouts, The Boxcar Children, A to Z Mysteries...and, I know there are more but I can't remember right now what they are. He's also been very busy making his own comic book series lately, having created an original character he calls Super Wilson. Here is one of our favorites (you can click each picture to enlarge them):

Front and back covers:

pages 1-4:

I realize I've got much to be thankful for: the health of our baby girl, who really is doing so well despite all my complaining; great health insurance, without which we would be in a lot of trouble; a husband who is doing a remarkable job of juggling work, family, and home management, because I'm pretty much good for nothing around here lately; and children who keep me busy and make me laugh every day. They help make the time pass so quickly until I'm finally able to get up to the hospital each night, until I'm finally able to hold my tiny girl against me, to savor her softness and sleepy smiles and sweet baby scent. And I'm thankful that my mom will be here next week and will stay for two months! I'm already imagining all the ways in which our lives will be so much easier because of her presence. Sometimes a girl just needs her mommy. :)

To a boy I used to know

Quite by chance yesterday (or maybe through a Google search, but I'm not saying), I came upon the e-mail address of my old high school flame. My first love. The boy I really and truly believed I would marry. Before I knew what I was doing, I had sent a short message hurtling through cyberspace, heading straight towards his inbox. Instantly I felt this strange sense of remorse ("What the...?! Now why the heck did I just do that?"), but I have to say that it was mingled with just the teeniest bit of intrigue, too. Will he remember me? Will he write back? OHMYGOSH...will he see my blog?! (I remembered too late that I have a link to my blog attached to my automatic e-signature.) And don't worry: it's not like this was a big secret or anything. I told Darren what I'd done right away, and he laughed at me! But what on earth made me do such a thing?

I can tell you: it's all this driving back and forth to the hospital that I've been doing lately. Amidst these crazy days, my commutes there and back are the only interludes (however brief) in which I can hear myself think...so of course I drown out my thoughts with music, blasting me right back to my past. Seriously. It's uncanny, the way that every single night there is at least one song that reminds me so intensely of that one magical summer between my junior and senior years of high school. Mr. Jones. Hey Jealousy. (And more, but those are the two that stand out most.)

And suddenly, as I'm singing along at the top of my lungs, I'm feeling my age. Wasn't I just seventeen, like, yesterday? When did this become my life? When did I become a thirty year old, married for almost ten years, mother to four? With a mortgage? And a minivan? I shouldn't be surprised, really, to find myself here; it's where I've always wanted to be. It's just that time, this distance between the me of now and the me of yesteryear, has flown by in what seems to be the blink of an eye. I'll blink again, and my babies will be halfway grown. How can that be? And in how many ways am I squandering this precious time?

I'm not really expecting him to write back. He's married now, too, or was the last I heard. I'm sure his own life has taken many unexpected turns, for better or for worse. But if he does happen to find me here, in my own little corner of cyberspace, I hope he'll smile fondly to remember the girl that I once was. To see the woman I've become. To know that I still think of him with affection. To glimpse, for a moment, the fleeting bit of time in which the world was ours for the taking.

How I would love to hear from him again.

The faces of our babies

There has been some discussion among my family and our nurses about whom little Kristen most resembles. It's always amazing to me to see the many tiny similarities that exist between each of our babies, and I thought it would be fun to post some newborn pictures of them here for comparison. So what do you think? They all definitely have their own unique characteristics, but I've always seen glimpses of each of them in every new baby we've been blessed with. Aren't they awesome? :)

Here, in order, are: Baby Dylan, Baby Caitlyn, Baby Meghan, and finally, our newest Baby Kristen: